[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
calling in to work dehydrated
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?