WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
ACED my prostate exam!
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money