I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!