Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
From my Mom
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’