What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)