[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.