I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
kids play hide and seek like
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Morning.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.