If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
just witnessed a drug deal
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
first you must answer his riddles
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?