It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
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If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.