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Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.