Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
You Might Also Like
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
s
oc
i
a
l
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.