[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard