We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)