Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
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Yup
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.