Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
#ProTip
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.