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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.