I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade