Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
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I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.