Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
oh my god
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years