[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
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ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?