We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
You Might Also Like
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh