Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.