Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
The Struggle
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*