[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids