Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.