Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.