PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
You Might Also Like
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”