Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.