he chose this
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”