If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
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Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
🤣
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.