Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.