Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.