“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’