My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
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*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp: