How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock