I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
You Might Also Like
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Hotels are back
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.