very niche meme I made
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Mood.. 😂
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”