I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
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“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.