Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Just how popey was the pope today?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.