For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.