Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
incredible book dedication
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.