Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
You Might Also Like
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes