KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.