ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
*limbos under the caution tape
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.