I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*