[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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San Francisco has too many rules
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.