someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
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I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.