Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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Give a baker flours on your first date.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2潭4潭 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
After reading his last talk to text message, I鈥檓 convinced I鈥檓 married to a pirate.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
My daughter asked me if I鈥檇 be very upset if she didn鈥檛 live with me when she鈥檚 a grownup so I told her I鈥檇 try my best once I stopped laughing
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 馃か
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don鈥檛 even like you that much anymore.
If you鈥檙e looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it鈥檚 in, hit me up.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i鈥檓 super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
i love meeting boys on tinder