The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.