waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
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Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Many hands make light work
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same